The recent bombings that occurred at the Boston Marathon combined with other high profile acts of violence in Newtown, Connecticut and Aurora, Colorado have instilled fear in many Americans. Despite assurances that such acts are infrequent, many find it difficult to cope with the anxiety and sadness that such events often create. Additionally, some people may find it a challenge to continue to engage in previously enjoyed outings like going to the movies, shopping in crowded places, or attending large gatherings for fear of experiencing an act of violence. Combined, this anxiety and behavioral avoidance can result in psychological distress that begins to impact both individuals and their families. In the service of helping individuals to find positive coping strategies, those of us at Equanimity Partners would like to offer a few effective strategies for managing such anxieties:
Managing Psychological Distress:
1. If you find yourself becoming anxious or distressed it is important to both acknowledge and respect such feelings. Our emotions provide us with important information about our surroundings and can help us clue in to specific things that may be upsetting. If we react with avoidance of such feelings we are both discounting our authentic reaction and exacerbating feelings of distress.
For example, when people have been encouraged to suppress thoughts, those thoughts often come back with more intensity and frequency. It’s like this – imagine if someone told you to think of anything except a pink elephant – despite your attempts that image is likely the first thing that gets cued in your mind. The same is true for emotions. Trying to get rid of an emotion (e.g. anxiety) often results in more of that emotion.
2. Next, it can also be useful to practice something we call “cognitive defusion.” Cognitive defusion involves taking a step back from distressing or painful thoughts and then evaluating them as simply chatter that your mind produces. For example, imagine that you have the thought: “I cannot stand to be in a crowded place.” If you can objectively notice that this is simply a thought that your mind has produced and not a truth, it can be very helpful. In fact, you could actually choose to be in a crowded place and “stand it” even if it did cause you anxiety.
Another example is this: try thinking about jumping up and down as hard as you can. Even though you’ve had the thought that you are going to jump up and down, this is very different from the experience of jumping up and down. Thus, you can think things without them happening or being true. I can think, “I am too afraid to leave the house,” and still leave. This brings us to the next point – following our values.
Pursuing Your Values in the Face of Discomfort –
1. Sometimes it can be helpful to remind yourself why you are engaging in certain activities. Think of the frequently used cliché: “If you stop living your life than the perpetrators of violence have won.” To some extent this statement carries a bit of truth, psychologically speaking. When we start avoiding anxiety-inducing situations, we are teaching our brains that such situations are indeed scary or worthy of anxiety. However, when we acknowledge that a situations is fear-inducing (e.g. going to a crowded parade), but then engage in that activity anyway, we are reminding our brains that our thoughts and emotions do not have to dictate our actions. Over time, repeatedly engaging in behaviors or activities that were once anxiety-producing (i.e. this is called exposure) begins to decrease our psychological distress reactions. This is called habituation. You can think of it like this – imagine sitting in a room with a loudly buzzing light bulb. This noise is certainly irritating in the beginning; however, if you remain in the room, the obnoxious noise begins to fade and we eventually often forget about it all together. This is also habituation. Therefore, the more you can remind yourself that it is okay to engage in previously-enjoyed activities, even in the face of anxiety, the more likely you are to train your brain that such activities can be managed with minimal distress.
2. The question then becomes – “how do I know when I should engage in an activity if I’m anxious or afraid?” This is where we draw in values. Values refer to those things that make our life meaningful or give vitality to our days. For example, many people have family related values (cultivating loving relationships; making time for shared activities, etc.). These values do not come from a “moral” or “right/wrong” place, but instead reflect what is important to a given individual.
3. If you can identify specific values (open-ended statements about what you would like your life to look like) then you can identify goals that go along with such values. Take the example above about making time for shared activities with the family. This value could lead to a goal of going to one public sporting event per month. Now you are in a position of recognizing that attending a crowded sporting event is in line with your stated value, even if it does produce some anxiety. Values can then help you navigate your personal goals and help you to engage in activities even in the face of discomfort.
Finally, if you have young children you may find that it is difficult to figure out the appropriate way to help them make sense of such events and to manage upsetting emotions. Some suggestions for navigating this process are as follows:
How to talk to your children:
1. Let them know it’s okay to feel afraid or sad – validating these emotions can help children understand that their experiences are natural and important. Telling them to get rid of specific emotions (e.g. “you need to stop feeling so upset”) can result in more of that emotion and/or a reluctance to come forward with other upsetting thoughts or feelings.
2. Validate your child’s emotional reaction – even if it doesn’t exactly match with yours. Even though you might be feeling anxious and angry, your child may be feeling sad or fearful of leaving the house. It’s okay if there is a discrepancy between your child’s emotions and your own. The important part is that you acknowledge and respect their individual reactions.
3. Sometimes children aren’t adept at verbalizing their emotions. You may need to be mindful of changes in their behavior (e.g. a reluctance to go to school, becoming fearful of going to bed, becoming more clingy or distant, etc.). If you notice such changes in behavior, ask questions. Open ended questions such as: “I wonder how you have felt about the events that recently happened” or “How do you feel when you see things like this on the news or hear about them at school?” Opening up a dialogue can help children feel comfortable in expressing things that may be difficult for them to understand or discuss.
4. If your children are old enough to have a more nuanced understanding of things like “probability” or “likelihood”, consider discussing with them the likelihood of such scary events happening to them. For example, after the shooting in the Aurora, Colorado movie theatre, many individuals expressed concerns about going to see movies. For some, it was helpful to consider the odds of experiencing an event like this. More specifically, it was helpful for some parents to remind their children that thousands of movies play every day across the country with no such instances. This can help reassure children that despite constant news coverage, violent events like the aforementioned continue to be rare.
We hope that this information may be useful.
– The Equanimity Partners Staff
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